:) Smiling (:

Today was a day that I felt genuinely happy and realized it. I cracked jokes, laughed, and smiled. Finally the little things made me laugh again. It was spectacular! It felt...rejuvenating. I'm finally on my way back to optimism. One of my friends asks me once in a while if I'm smiling or if I have smiled. That means a lot to me for him to check up on me. I'm not used to needing people to "check up" on me but from time to time it feels nice. His example and friendship means more to me than possibily I do to him. "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight." I recently stumbled across that quote and do believe it's true. I believe when I'm having a bad day, if I just remember to smile then things would turn out better than I imagine. I believe that smiling and laughter are contagious. I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "Learn how to act better than you feel." I think I needed that posted to my forehead this past few weeks. I have been acting exactly the way I feel, and that's why I was wallowing in my misery. "Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place."We all should learn how to act better than we feel, then the world just might be a better place. Sometimes things and situations aren't as bad as we make them seem. I have to always remind myself that no matter how bad things are at this moment, change is inevitable. Also I should rely on the Lord more often to take away my sorrow. He is the only one that truely understands me and my pain. And He is the only one that can heal it. My goal for the week is to smile, not only to make myself feel happy but to pass the happiness onto other people.

Accepting the good days with the bad

Yesterday was one of my better days. I went to Six Flags with Sarah, Brent, and Blake. I didn't think it would be crowded but I was wrong. We bought a flash pass which really helped. We actually got to ride all the rides we wanted and didn't have to wait in lines over an hour or longer. I always have fun with Sarah, joking and laughing. Sometimes it's like she is the only one that gets me and understands my humor and even knows what to say when I'm feeling really crappy. The rides we lots of fun! I didn't even get the queezy going down the big hills. Before riding the last ride of the day...Goliath, I was talking about how pretty the clouds looked with the sunset and Sarah told me how happy she was that I wasn't being pessimistic anymore. I didn't realize it, but I hadn't been all day. Go me! All it took was a thrilling trip to Six Flags. I should do that more often! It was like I left all my worries outside of the park. It felt good. We stopped to get something to eat on the way home. Despite the horrible service, I kept cracking up about different things, little things for almost no apparent reason. It felt great to me, but the others were looking at me like I was off my rocker. Who cares! I was wiped out but couldn't manage to fall asleep for a couple hours.
A wise friend of mine told me that she has learned to accept her bad days. She said it helps her to better appreciate the good days she is blessed with. I think I tend to focus on the bad instead of enjoying the good things. She is right. I have been seeing all the bad happening in my life and when I finally experienced a good day, I appreciated it so much more. We are all promised tough times and that we will be able to handle them and overcome them. At times, it's harder to look past the trial into the beautiful unknown. I have a lot of growing up to do still. The Lord has blessed me tremendously. Even though I feel like I've reached my breaking point, things could always be worse. I just have to hold on and go for the ride!

Optimism in times of adversity...harder than it sounds

The devil was working really hard on me today. It was hard for me to control my temper. I woke up wanting to mow the lawn. When I pulled out the lawnmower, I saw I would have to pump up one the tires; no big deal. I got the pump but the air wasn’t going into the tire like it should. It was difficult to push down on the pump’s handle. I tried to work with it but after getting frustrated quickly I threw it down. I walked away to calm down. Mom got home and tried to get it to work. After much effort she finally got the tire pumped up. I made it around our big yard about 5 laps when the mower started puttering and dying on me. I brought it back to the house and mom called a technician to see what to do. When I did that, I took the mower back out and made about 3 more passes when it died on me again and wouldn’t crank back up. So I had to push it back to the house this time. Another phone call to a technician and taking the gas cap off to crank it, the mower started back up and sounded normal. I was so upset about all that happened I was yelling to my mom about how I was annoyed and had somewhere to be and didn’t have all day to be messing with a mower that should work perfectly fine. It is new and people should build their products a lot better than the thing we got stuck with. The only thing keeping me somewhat sane was music in my ears. Music helps me for all my moods. It speaks to me, calms me, comforts me. With little problems the rest of the way I cut the rest of the grass then quickly got ready to leave for dinner then FHE. The lesson seemed suiting for me. It was about adversity. The rest of the day was better. I took my frustrations out playing volleyball…lots of volleyball.
It seems like whenever tough times come, they pile on. It’s never just one thing. How we handle the trials that come our way show a lot about our character. I didn’t show very good character today. I didn’t handle the trials that came my way well at all. I have become quite the pessimist lately. I don’t like it but it’s kinda like something that has completely taken over me. I know better but yet I don’t change my attitude. Lately I feel like I’m stuck in a place I wouldn’t wish on anyone, figuratively speaking. At times I have to force myself to be happy. Now I’m left to figure out the next step. I need to get back to how I used to be – optimistic, happy, chill, easygoing. Oh how I miss those days! I refuse to let my trials get the best of me. I am the only person in control of my happiness. I have a long road ahead complete with potholes and roadblocks. I will progress to the positive and endure to the end.

This has been a weekend comparable to a roller coaster ride...one of emotional ups and downs. It started Friday when I found out I didn't get into nursing school. I allowed myself to cry for about 2 minutes then tried to move on. Friday wasn't a good day at work. I was easily frustrated and moody. Saturday was better. I got to go home from work so I hung out with Sarah and Brent. We went to eat then to the tavern to play pool. Sarah and I dominated the table. I was the only sober one in the group and I'm pretty sure I fed off their happiness. I enjoyed going out and having fun to get the stresses off my mind. After that, Sarah and I watched a movie then talked for over an hour about deep and personal things. Sunday wasn't so good. At church, I ended up breaking down crying. I talked with my bishop to get everything off my chest. I think I was allowing all the things that have been stressing me out to come out at once. He gave me a blessing for comfort and it really did help at that time. I was once again frustrated while at work though. Only 3 hours of sleep couldn't have helped either. I tried to calm myself but a couple of residents didn't give me the chance for the calmness to settle. Once I got home I passed out from exhaustion. This weekend was one I would never wish to repeat. Now I am left to decide what I'm going to do in the future with my life. I'd like to move. I may change my major...but not sure to what yet. Nursing was my passion but it has proved to only disappoint. I don't know what else I'd be great at. I don't like feeling so emotionally vulnerable. I like to feel in control, but the Lord sure has shown me He's the one with ALL control. He knows what's best for me so I must pray and rely on Him to lead me through this speed bump. I know my attitude is one of the only things I have control of but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I need to find happiness in something to get rid of the pessimistic attitude I keep feeling.

Being "good" & Conversation

On any given day when someone asks me how i'm doing, without fail, I say I'm good. For me, that's a common response so I don't have to go into any more detail. I should come up with a better adjective. In the past 6 months I have been to the beach a couple times, been to six flags, been to a concert of a favorite band of mine, gone kayaking, gone swimming many times, been to louisiana, been to girls camp for church, and on various occasions spent time with close friends. So I ask myself why am I just "good" and not great or fabulous or wonderful. I have had a blessed life but sometimes I tend to overlook the good while I focus on what could be better. I wasn't fully aware I did this until I was telling a lady at work about all I had done and she responded with, "wow you've had a really good month!" that statement made me think twice about my response when asked how am I doing. Now I try to think of something better to say than good. I will try to start appreciating my life more than just merely living in it.

I had a surprisingly enlightening conversation with a 6 year old the other day. She was more talkative than some of my friends. She asked me what my name was and after I told her, she told me I have a beautiful name. That was interesting that a 6 year old knows my name is something different than the norm. That conversation made me think how great the mindset of children is. They are so pure and innocent...and they always say what's on their mind. I guess as adults, it's partly tact to not say everything on our minds but I think it gets to the point where people get too scared to say what they really think. I think we should let people know how we really feel instead of holding it in and potentially driving ourself nuts. Also, children aren't afraid to ask questions and I admire that. I tend to ask a lot of questions even it makes me sound dumb. I'd rather ask questions and be thought silly for a minute than not to ask and never know the answer. I have a curious mind which can sometimes be a strength and other times a weakness.