The Gifts of Imperfection, part 2

After finishing this book, I feel like it was a very worthwhile read. I learned a lot and will hopefully keep that with me in life. The last few points that I liked are these:

Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on earth. -Mark Twain

Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: we are not alone.

Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

--I learned that we shouldn't worry so much about what other people think of us. We can't please everyone, but we should be able to please ourselves. We lose a lot of who we are because we are worried other people might think of us as silly, foolish, etc.

In this book, the author covers 10 guideposts on the power of wholehearted living:

#1 Cultivating authenticity: Letting go of what people think

#2 Cultivating self-compassion: Letting go of perfectionism

#3 Cultivating a resilient spirit: Letting go of numbing and powerlessness

#4 Cultivating gratitude and joy: Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark

#5 Cultivating intuition and trusting faith: Letting go of the need for certainty

#6 Cultivating creativity: Letting go of comparison

#7 Cultivating play and rest: Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth

#8 Cultivating calm and stillness: Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle

#9 Cultivating meaningful work: Letting go of self-doubt and "supposed to"

#10 Cultivating laughter, song, and dance: Letting go of being cool and "always in control"

The Gifts of Imperfection

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, but one book that has made a huge impact on my way of thinking is called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The cover also says Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. I think as people, we tend to change who we are for different people. This book has a lot of great messages that have really changed my life...and I'm not even done reading it yet. In the next couple of posts I want to go over some lines in her book that have meant something to me. They will all be straight from her book. Some of them I might add my own thoughts.

"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves."

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do."

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the power of our light."

--These first three kinda go together, in my mind at least. Loving myself is something I have struggled with since I was a child. Because of things I've had to endure in my past, I didn't think much of myself. I didn't think I deserved to be loved, that I wasn't good enough for love. I now know that I DO deserve love. It's not because of this book, but it helped. We can't always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to what happens to us. Our story is just that. It shapes us into the person we become, whether that is good or bad.

"Courage has a ripple effect. Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver."

"Until we receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart."

"When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to give help."

"If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions."

--I have had a hard time in my life asking for help from people, much less accepting help. I had been working on this before I started reading this book. These statements opened my eyes a little more. I didn't think I judged people for needing help. I'm very open to helping people, I just thought I had to go it alone. I didn't want people have to do anything for me, didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Now I know that people are as willing to help me as I am them. By me denying someone's service, I was denying them blessings. I'm still working on this because I do like to do things on my own, but I'm more willing to ask for help when I really need it instead of drowning in stress.

"A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life." - Christopher K Germer

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows."

--The first line reminds me of a song I love called Let it Begin. One line in the songs says "mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you." Just because we have made mistakes doesn't mean we are a bad person. Through the power of the Atonement, we can be made whole again. For me, it has been those mistakes that have opened my eyes and made me into someone better. As for the second line, I think if we keep worrying about darkness, we don't have enough time to enjoy happiness. We have to take life as it comes, make the best of it.

Time Flies

This year seems to have gone quickly. This has definitely been a year of wake up calls, realizations, lessons, making new friends, and SO much more. This will be a year that will never be forgotten. I started this year out on the wrong foot, and now I'm just trying to find my footing. I have such a testimony of the atonement now. I am so grateful the Lord loved us so much that He would die for us. He made the greatest sacrifice so we could be forgiven for all of our mistakes. Unlike some people, I guess I learn best the hard way. I used to think that making mistakes was a bad thing. Now I know that it's the way we learn, the way we grow. I remember earlier this year I experienced what I thought was the worst day of my life. Looking back, that day has become such a blessing and a miracle. The Lord trusted me with a beautiful life to bless the lives of two people who love him beyond measure. I am so grateful for second chances. I got a second chance emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Now I have a chance to do something with my life...and I will! Sometimes we have to struggle during the climb before we reach the top that is full of beauty.

We are all given roadblocks that we must find our way around. My timing has never been great...but the Lord's timing is impeccable. I know that He knows us personally. He sees our struggles and believes in us when even we give up on ourselves. He knows what we are capable of even if we can't see it for years to come. I like to think that the Lord puts people in our path for a reason, whether it's long-term or just for a short while. I have been blessed with great friends that are so understanding and kind.

Music is a HUGE part of my life. Music can speak to me better than people can sometimes. Last week I thought about songs that have helped me get through tough times. I'll list a few of them, but one in particular meant a lot to me. It's called Let it Begin. One line in that song is "mistakes of the past don't define you, they refine you". This is so true. I believe I was conditioned to think that you can't work past your mistakes, but you can! It's not about the mistake, it's about what you do with that mistake to improve your life.

One Step at a Time - Jordin Sparks

Keep Your Head Up - Andy Grammer

Steer - Missy Higgins

Brand New Day - Joshua Radin

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - IZ

Just a Ride - Jem

Stand - Rascal Flatts

Incomplete - Alanis Morissette

Let it Begin - Julie Yardley

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

http://youtu.be/zc-4GzdVsi4

Thoughts

Lately I've been trying to straighten my life out. I have done stuff the past few months I'm not proud of. Live and learn. I've learned I have to live for myself, not for others. My happiness should be of utmost importance. I thought I was happy but it was only temporary pleasure. I should be seeking eternal happiness. Now to figure out how that's achieved...But I'm back on the right track and I feel good about it. The problem is that the devil is working REALLY hard on me.

People never cease to surprise me, whether good or bad. You never know what someone is going through. You may think they have it easy when in actuality they have just as many struggles as anyone else, if not more. Also, people that you never thought would hurt you, will. I put my trust in someone for them to prove they never deserved it. i think some people just wait for me to let my guard down to disappoint me. This makes me not want to let anyone in. But that's ok. Fool me once. I'm smarter than they think. I can't control what others do. I'm really not this cynical. I appreciate my friendships. It just takes a lot for me to let someone in my life completely and it hurts when they prove to be just like everyone else. I have met quite a few great friends along my way though, and I appreciate them more than they know.

I have been struggling with feelings of sadness and withdrawing from others. Not sure what's causing it. It's probably a mix of a lot of things. It usually lasts just a day but if I don't know the cause, I can't find a solution. So it keeps coming back.

Lately I've realized how much my past has shaped who I am now. Like how I don't show affection easily, I'm scared of serious relationships, I don't take compliments easily, I have daddy issues, I avoid confrontation at all costs. i didn't realize how much your childhood shapes your adulthood. Looks like I have a long road ahead of me. I know this all sounded negative but it's what's plaguing my mind. Maybe this is a way of letting it go and moving on. Here's hoping!

Stress is a Part of Life

Last week was a more stressful one for me. I am in an acupressure class that I don't get. I feel like I get migranes when I do it, study it, and even think about it. I don't understand how you can feel someone's energy and even balance it out. I think it can be done, but I don't see how I can do it. Luckily it's a short class. Only 4 more sessions. All I need to do is study the material and move on. Also I got more homesick this week. I have been feeling it but just moved on from the thought. I was talking to my roommate and actually started crying. I've never really been homesick before. Maybe it's because of all the great new things going on in my life and I feel like I have no one to share it with here. Things will get better but for this last week, it was difficult.

I've also been stressing myself out with thoughts of how busy my life is about to get. I go to school Mon-Thurs from 9am-5:30pm. And I've been working about 36 hours every weekend to help financially. And this coming up weekend I start clinical so I'll have to be there every Saturday from 12pm-6pm. And in between those things I have to find time to study, sleep, and practice massage. Wow!

The weekend was pretty relaxing though. I tried not to work as much for the holiday...even though I didn't do much. I got to see a couple old friends though which was nice. There is opposition in all things, but it will get better in time. Endurance!

Work

I started my first day of work at a new job. I'm a health tech at the VA hospital in Salt Lake. The only word that comes to mind to describe my first day is overwhelming. I feel like I just got thrown into the position without proper training. I have been a nurses aid for 2 years but working in a hospital is totally different. I learned how to do finger sticks, how to do an EKG, how to do a bladder scan, how to chart like they do in a hospital. Wow! And on top of not know what to do, it was slow that day so I wasn't sure what to do in down time. One girl actually took me on a tour of the hospital, which was really nice of her, but It'll take me a while to figure it all out. Plus my badge isn't active so I can't get in any doors that need a badge scan to get in and so many other things I can't do by myself. It was just a little stressful. I know it will get better with time. And I'm sure once I start working more often I'm going to be so wiped out from working and school and everything in between. That's life I guess.

My Life as of Recently

I keep thinking about my blog and wanting to update it but I tend to let things get in the way. So today I have felt inspired to update and there is no better time as I am starting a new chapter in my life.

I have recently moved back to Utah, in Salt Lake City now. I am living with 2 roommates that I met when I moved in. I lucked out with my roommates and my apartment. The girls are very kind and easy-going. They are also very welcoming. I am pleased with the apartment as well. This is the first time in my life, though, that I have shared a room with another person. It's a little weird sometimes. I know this may seem minuscule but I am thankful to have a washer and dryer in the apartment. This will come in handy as I go throughout school and have to wash sheets all the time. I'm grateful to be so close to lots of things. One thing I didn't like about where I was in Alabama was that I was so far away from...everything. I'm about 8 blocks away from school so I'm able to ride my bike most days.

Since I've been in Utah, I feel more and more like a sheltered country hick. I didn't know how to work a dishwasher, garage door opener, and ceiling fan remote. For the first time I saw an escalator at Wal-Mart. It was so cool because one side had a special escalator type thing for you to put your buggies in and they just meet you at the top. The largest library I've ever seen is a few blocks away. It's about 8 stories tall and has all sorts of shops inside. I felt so small walking inside.

I have been blessed with a number of exciting things to do. I played frisbee with one of the wards. I had a blast! I scored all the goals in our first game. I love playing. I am blessed to be close to so many temples. They are so beautiful and serene. My first full weekend here, I went to Moab with my new ward. Moab is a really well known place for it's camping, rafting, off-roading, hiking, etc. There were a lot of people in our group. My camping experience was well remembered. We borrowed some cots from a friend's brother. He assured us they would all fit in the tent...they did not. One stuck out a few inches so one cot stayed outside. 2 of us slept on cots in the tent. The other slept outside. She said she enjoyed it though. I got to go rafting for the first time. I've been kayaking a few times so I knew the basics of it all. It was so much fun and exhilarating. I bought a waterproof camera to take pics. I got a lot of good ones....but after lunch I put the camera in my pocket and it ended up falling out. I was bummed. The next day, a girl I was talking to said their group found the camera. I still haven't gotten it back but it's good to know it's not floating on the Colorado River still.

I have been able to spend time with family and friends I haven't seen in quite a while. My family had a brunch my first Sunday here. It's always nice to spend time with family. I also went to Rexburg to visit Crunch and Skipper. The weekend was chill. We didn't do much, but it didn't bother me. I just like spending time with them. I was able to play tennis. 6 of us packed in a small car to go eat something called cookie monster I think. It wasn't a long drive but was definitely interesting.

I have been in school for 2 weeks now at Utah College of Massage Therapy. For the first time I actually want to go to school. I like my classes and I'm learning so much. There are about 40 people in my class (which is big for M.T.). We were all nervous at first. We all get along pretty well. I was told the people in my class would become some of my good friends and like family. I believe it. We spend a lot of very personal time together. Everyone had to learn how to get undressed and redressed underneath the sheets on the table. There are too many people in the classroom for us to just pull curtains or leave and come back. Now everyone is pretty good at it and it isn't as awkward anymore. Once I start getting massaged, I don't even care that I'm naked underneath the sheet. I gave my first full body massage on a massage table. It went better than I thought. The guy that was my partner that day announced to the whole class how good of a massage I gave. That made me feel really confident. I needed that boost. We are having a friendly competition on making holsters to hold our lotion in while giving massages. These make pumping lotion while giving massages much more convenient. So I decided to make one out of duct tape. It's probably not very sturdy but I bet the teacher has never seen one, therefore making it the most unique.

I am still in the weird stage of making friends here so oftentimes I just stay at my apartment. It gets me down once in a while. That's when I miss everyone back home. I miss that I knew so many people. Now I'm just a tadpole in the frog pond. I know it will get easier. Once in a while I meet people that remind me of people back in Alabama. I try to be friends with those people.

So that's about it for what's been going on. I am happy to be in a new area but at the same time it can be rather difficult. I'll take whatever comes my way. I know I'm not alone. Things will get better. I am so excited for my new career! I'm excited for the future!